a letter to my ex (employer)

it’s been a while since i last thought of you, i think it’s partly because you bring up so much sad memories and partly because i don’t see the point of conjuring up everything that’s been said and done.

just like how post-traumatic patients stop doing whatever caused their trauma, i ended my habit of putting into words my thoughts and ignored my longing to paint every bit of emotion that had anything to do with you.

but now that i think about it, i may have been too hard on myself; maybe it was unfair of me to actually deprive myself any source of self expression, of the power to speak up.

so i thought i’d talk a bit.

ours was a love affair that started with so much promise and ardour. in the aftermath, you and i worked hand in hand to exhume what was left of the storm. we fixed what could be repaired and we sewed together the scars of the world we once knew.

in the middle of our love story though, something broke along the way that i found myself regretting my decision in choosing you at times. we underwent profound changes and little changes, but still we carried on. in the end though, i felt that a year with you was enough for me. you had brought me to different places, allowed me to meet different people and transformed me in ways i never thought was possible. but you also taught me to reset my priorities and neglect some essential parts of my life like my family, and to question acts of kindness as well as our fidelity to our principles.

maybe you won’t feel it now–the loss– if ever i did mean any value to you, but i believe i did what i could on my end and God knows how much i poured most of me into you. sadly, that only left me feeling like i’d been cheated on, like you were an unhealthy beverage drink that i couldn’t resist consuming on a regular basis, but that you were actually devouring my guts inside little by little.

eventually, i decided to let you go, for me to move along with my other dreams.

but for what it’s worth, i do miss you somehow. sometimes, i crave for you like how the seashore aches for the moon to carry the waves.

i learned a lot from you but i half wished i didn’t waste so much of my time trying to fit myself in your standards because the truth is, you needed me more than i needed you. i realized that too late into the commitment.

still, we had some good times to look back too, right? it was with you when i started to organize adventure trips with other people and began to use sports as an outlet and avenue for the team to get to know each other better.

over all though, i half wished we never happened. as much as i want to help, i found too late that there were other alternative channels for my passion to serve, other than committing myself to you. and yet, i’m well aware that i have grown in your care, and for that i’ll always be thankful.

my dear, please do get better, and maybe in the future, you’ll win me back again as your loyal and devoted partner. until then, see you when i see you, and goodluck with your political shenanigans.


thoughts on Labeling

Paulie: You think I’m a lesbian?
Mary: You’re a girl in love with a girl, aren’t you?
Paulie: No, I’m Paulie in love with Tori. And Tori is – she is in love with me, because she is mine and I am hers. And neither of us are lesbians.

-Lost and Delirious (2001)

In the first place, who started the labeling game? Did it come with the social responsibility of constructing a world where A should act like all the other As and that Bs should never get mixed up with Ds or hook up with Cs in an effort to organize all of humanity?

Looking back, Greta Garbo’s generation didn’t have that much people making noise over who gets to marry who and they didn’t bother as much as to how a specific group behaves. But remember that back in those days, not a lot of nonconventionals came out and spoke of their unusual preferences or rallied for a say in legislation as compared to today’s trend.

And yet, I still get upset over labels. And now that the movie is over, I can’t stop thinking about the characters (spoilers hereafter)–Was Pauline and her darkness really a lost cause, or were her trusted ones just too afraid to fight for her? And are the homophobics all to blame for this culture we have now or do we, the ones who do not wish to discuss about the deeper, more important issues, we who fear of being disowned of our parents, of being written off by our most beloved friends, we who would rather stay safe than go risk ourselves into uncharted territory, surely we also have a hand in the tragic endings that sexually different people go through?

I just find it unfair when people get so critical with people who identify as LGBTQ when in reality, those same people they scrutinize and persecute didn’t even go as much as ask, “So, when did you choose to be straight?”